To everyone who lives within a 3 block radius of my house,

I was an elementary school teacher. One of my duties was supervising the students at recess. In order to get the attention of that many kids spread that far apart on a playground, you have to have a good whistle. And in this case, good means loud. So, when I cleaned out my classroom, my whistle made it’s way to my home in one of the boxes.I have a 5-year-old son. I kept telling him this summer to find something fun to do so he isn’t just watching TV all day. Well, the other day, he did.
So, to answer some of your questions:

  • That whistling sound is coming from my yard.
  • Yes, I realize just how annoying it is.
  • No, I won’t have him come inside so it doesn’t bother you as much, because then it would bother me more.
  • Yes, I know exactly how selfish that is. And I’m good with it.

Sincerely,
Me

To the person in my neighborhood who owns a cat,

Your cat pooped in my backyard at some point. I mowed my lawn today.
 I hate you.


Sincerely,
Me

To the lady I had never met before, who stopped me in the store to ask me what school my son would be going to, and who then said to me, a public school teacher, “Do you want to know a better option than this public school crap?” and who, despite my comment that I am proudly a public school teacher so be careful what you say ha ha, then proceeded to tell me everything that has ever gone wrong in her autistic son’s education and how much better it has been since discovering some online academy that has just been wonderful,

It was nice interesting talking to you.

Sincerely,
Me

To Costco,

Chocolate Sea Salt Caramel Pretzels.

Sincerely,
Mrwfl (Sorry, my mouth was full) Me

To whoever left these 6 shopping carts spread across these 3 parking spaces,

You are all awful. It was, what, another 6 feet to put them in the little cart return thing? You really couldn’t handle that? And I know most of you are probably thinking, “Well, there was/were already between 1 and 5 carts there. I didn’t start it. Is it really my fault if I’m just following what everyone else does all the time?” Yes, yes it is. If anything, you’re worse. You looked at the effects of one person’s lazy disregard for others and thought, “Yeah, I like the way this guy thinks.” I mean, I’d like to give you the benefit of the doubt that maybe you had an emergency or some other sort of extenuating circumstance that would explain your inability to fulfill the minimum requirement of human decency. But I think we all know that probably isn’t the case. If it is, consider yourself exempt from my disdain. If it isn’t, oh who am I kidding? If you cared at all about my disdain, or the feelings of anyone else around you, you wouldn’t have left the cart there in the first place.

Sincerely,
Me on my 4th pass through the parking lot, still looking for a place to park